Updates For June 2003
06/26/03
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the
confessional unmanned, he called a rabbi friend up and asked him to cover for
him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to
come on over and he'd stay with him and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and
he and the priest are in the confessional.
In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have
sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says
"I Committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman:
"Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box
and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later another woman enters the confessional. She says "Father
forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Woman:
"I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman:
"Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box
and go and sin no more." The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks
he's got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I
have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman:
"I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman:
"Just once." Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special
this week, three for $ 5."
06/21/03
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06/19/03
Things to do to keep a healthy level of insanity in your life:
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair
dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with
that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in" .
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over
their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation marks
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all
day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because
you're not in the mood.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Mary.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!, I won!"
"3rd time this week!!!!!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling
"run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner "Due to the economy, we are going to
have to let one of you go."
And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.......
20. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to
you or asked you not to send them stuff like this.
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06/12/03
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Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern
this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the
Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.
Little Known Fact When Bach died, he was buried in a
cemetery in Germany. As people
passed his gravesite, they could hear his music being played backwards.
He was decomposing!
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06/05/03
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DILBERT'S RULES OF ORDER
1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not
looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go
flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first
time, chances are you won't be
needing him again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to
myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
8. My reality check bounced.
9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier
11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste
good with ketchup.
13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you
with experience.
15. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
16. Don't be irreplaceable -- if you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month
than you did before.
18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
20. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will
happen to you the rest of the day.
21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
22. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
23. Following the rules will not get the job done.
24. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
06/01/03
Added New Search Engine to Site, Can now search Guestbook with EASE
Want Dilbert Cartoons Try this collection
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